I think about death every day. Many would say this is morbid. I would say that response has everything you need to know about your relationship with your own mortality. And, by extension, to life.
Death and taxes, right? The only thing we all have in common at a human level. We were born. And we are going to die. But the Stoics don’t want us to think of death this way. Death is not some future event that will happen; it's happening right now. Every second, up to this point, is gone. Forever. It's essentially dead to us.
I just turned 33 years old last month, and I could say 33 years are dead. Never to be lived again. From where I stand, the first 33 years are some thoughts in my mind. My actual life is being lived now; once this day passes, it is gone forever.
Most people don’t want to face this reality of life and time. They say it’s morbid or depressing. I say it’s the most life-affirming way to approach this day. This moment. It puts everything in perspective and brings immediacy to the preciousness of this day.
Yes, this is primarily theoretical until it’s not.
Mortalities Pop Quiz
On the early morning of 9-25-22 at 2 am, half a block from my Studio in Oakland, CA, the preciousness of my mortality became undeniably real.
I was walking home after a comedy show Saturday night, which went into Sunday morning. I went to see Duncan Trussell in San Francisco. Duncan has been one of my favorite podcasters and thinkers for over nine years, and this was the first time I saw him live.
I was almost home when three men crossed the street to confront me. One pulled a handgun out of this coat and pointed it at me, saying, “Give me all your shit!” As I reached toward my pockets, another man bear hugged me from behind and picked me up.
The man with the gun reached into my pouches and grabbed my phone, wallet, and keys. Seeing that I had a Honda car key, he asked, "Where's the car” before hitting me with the gun handle on my left cheek and eye.
I tried answering that my car was a few blocks away and locked away in a parking lot, but he hit me again, on my right eye, this time. And pointed the barrel of the gun between my eyes.
As most people in a situation like this would report, your sense of time slows down in your memory of the event. Objectively the whole thing probably lasted around a minute, but in my memory, it felt longer.
I can remember thinking I felt so disappointed and guilty that I wouldn’t be there to raise my two daughters. This was definitely at the front of my mind as I got hit in the face two more times.
I also thought of things I wanted to accomplish and experience in this lifetime. The writing that I still wanted to do, to leave for my daughters and the world. I have several cultural heroes who I want to talk to and podcast with. It seemed at that moment that I would not get the chance to do that now.
However, underlying these emotions was also a feeling of peace and contentment. I remember being surprised at how unsurprised and even prepared I felt. “This is what you meditate on every day. It is happening. You might die right here. And that’s ok. You did your best with the 33 years you were given. You left some writing for our daughters to find when they're old enough and ready for it. You're good.”
I remember seeing the lights of a police car and the man that was holding me, throwing me against a chain link fence. I bounced off the wall and landed on the sidewalk, lying on my side momentarily. The three of them ran off.
I was left on the sidewalk, bleeding heavily from my nose and disoriented. But I was alive—it didn’t end. I'm still here.
Memento Mori
This next part is so poetic; I couldn’t believe it if I didn’t live it. I reached in my pocket and found the only thing they didn’t take from me was a medallion I carry around with me that says, Memento Mori. This is Latin for “Remember that you will die.” On the backside of the same coin, it says,” You could leave life right now.”
These sentiments never felt more true to me than they did then. I felt deep gratitude that I didn’t leaves life in the encounter. I felt vibrantly alive and thankful. The lights of consciousness were still on, and I had another chance to live my best life with however much time I had left.
Don't get me wrong. This passed within a few moments, and I was stuck with anger, resentment, serious vulnerability, and sadness. I knew it wasn’t over yet; I 'was out here beat up with no keys to get into my home or car. No phone to call anyone. And I was missing a shoe; it had fallen off during the beating, and one of the men threw it over the fence where I couldn’t get to it.
I saw a police car pass the perpendicular street in front of me about 50 feet away. I sprinted after it and got their attention to tell them what had happened. After giving a police report, I used their phone to call the very few phone numbers I had memorized, to no avail. I asked to be dropped off at my good friend and spiritual brother's home. He also happens to be a reader of this newsletter and a friend to other readers of LSB.
I knock on his bedroom window, announcing, "It's Nick Bibeau. Don't be scared. It's Nick. Don't be scared. Can you please let me in” He opened the front door, and I told him what happened, hugged him, and said,” Thank you” Next, I went to the sink to start cleaning the blood and then to the freezer to grab an ice pack and place it on the check which was swelling the most?
I felt so blessed and immensely grateful that my friend was there for me in my moment of need and vulnerability. I slept at his home that night.
The following day, with my friend's help, I started getting my car re-keyed, getting a hold of my landlord to get into my studio, and getting my life back in order as best I could. I was writing again by that afternoon.
I had this strong feeling of motivation that I had work to do. The preciousness of time had never been more real and present to me. I began writing this article within three days of the incident. I feel incredibly blessed to have this outlet to process and work out the lessons of this event. Also, I have a platform to share these lessons with my readers and friends.
Duncan Trussell, Meteors and Space Suits
It seems fitting to finish this article with two metaphors I first heard from Duncan Trussell on thinking about the shortness of life and how it could end at any point. I believe the first comes from Ram Dass, a spiritual teacher and friend of Ducan who was instrumental in my spiritual journey.
Imagine you find out a meteor is headed straight for your city and is one hour away. There is no escaping it. Everyone on your side of the globe will die instantly, and everyone will die within hours.
What would you do with your last hour? Who would you call? What would you say to them? What have you been putting off doing or saying because you tell yourself you have time?
The truth is, this meteor is coming. It's a symbolic meteor. It's our death. And we don’t know when it’s going to hit. Maybe in one hour. One year. 80 years. But at some point, it will come. When it does, what will you have wished you had done and said before it happened? Why aren’t you doing and saying that today? We don’t control when the meteor hits, but we do control what we do with this day—this moment.
The second metaphor Duncan asks us to consider is this. Imagine you are an astronaut sent on a mission to a far-off mysterious planet. You are given a space suit with unique abilities to interact with the plant’s environment and the other astronauts. You are told that you would have to return the space suit at some point, but you will not be warned ahead of time. It may be in a few months, years, or perhaps, today. But at some point, you will have to return the suit and can no longer enjoy this mysterious planet or the experiences the spacesuit offers.
The mysterious planet is Earth, and the space suit is our body. We believe we have infinite time to enjoy this planet and these bodies. But we don’t. We don’t know when we have to return these space suits. So why do we put off enjoying them to the fullest?
Life and time have never felt more precious to me. Considering how quickly and unexpectedly it could end. I'm more focused than ever on spending my time doing the most important work I can and cherishing every moment I can along the way. I'm honored to share this and have you along for the ride.
Notes:
If you want to find out more from Duncan Trussell, check out his website here:
https://www.duncantrussell.com/
If you're interested in the Memento Mori medallion, here's a link:
https://dailystoic.com/memento-mori/
Love you Nick!!!